March 12th a few decades ago.
I was off with James and others having a good time. We had spent most of Friday night using. Early some time Saturday morning we made a snap decision to ride our motorcycles. We were very reckless and not in a state of mind for driving, let alone riding. The sun was just starting to come up and we were on the highway, pushing speeds that with a clear mind were crazy.
James moved into the oncoming traffic lane. He would often play speed games and would get out of the way at the last second. A large truck was coming up fast. I kept thinking he would dodge out of the way at any moment. Time has a way of suspending itself in those moments, or was this a bad dream? At that moment the truck tried to move out of the way. James moved only slightly. I only saw the impact out of the corner of my eye. It seemed like hours as I turned around and got back to the place of the crash. I was there with James as he tried to breath. I was holding his hand and yelling at him. Why did he have to be so stupid? I couldn’t understand this bad dream. What had he done? As much as it seems crazy at times it is very sobering when your life and or the lives of others are before you. Or death!
I found no answers at the funeral. I kept asking myself where I was going? Could I change me? Does it matter? Was I going to be in Jail? Or was I going to be dead as well? What could I do? Many people have pointed a blaming finger at those that had been with James.
I had a friend going to an AA meeting he said I should come hang out. I told myself that I wasn’t an addict. AA was for alcoholics and I wasn’t one of those. Plus I didn’t want anyone telling me their problems; I got enough of that from my family.
I was hoping he would just leave me alone, so I final went hoping he would shut up. He convinced me to go again and I told him he sucked and not to bother me anymore. The papers from the meeting went on a shelf and I told myself I wasn’t going to need them, or so I thought.
My parents were always on my case about finishing high school. Why did I care? School wasn’t going to help me with anything. A few weeks went by and he (my AA friend) called me about going to see someone. Why did I tell him I would go? When I got in the truck I had no idea he was taking me to see James’s mother. She was not the person that I wanted to see. I couldn’t think of what I could say to her. Why was this happening to me? She told me it was ok. She wanted me to find peace. But I didn’t have a problem, or did I?
A few more weeks passed and I went to another AA meeting. Sometime during that meeting I realized I had a problem. What could I do now? I had a big problem and to top it off James was dead, my family was against me, my parents were on my case about everything (long hair, music, friends, church or the lack of it, etc…). I spent the better part of that summer going to AA meetings, working on the steps and talking with my sponsor. Making a personal inventory was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was empty inside, I nothing to draw from.
It wasn’t easy. It hasn’t been easy, and every day I have to do battle. I have that peace now. I have made peace with myself. I have accepted that I need good people around me to help me. I also have come to know that through my relationships with others I can continue to have peace. There is a power greater than I. And that power can help me to conquer the battles I face each and every day.
I continue to work on things daily and have used the steps often and again and again to bring more power to my recovery. I have come to know my Higher power on a very personal basis and that with the help of good friends and family helps me to understand my addictions and stay clean and sober.
